Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
