I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
