Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
