Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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