I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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