I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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