I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
