I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
