Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
