I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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