he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
