At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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