I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
