My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
