There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
