I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
