we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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