If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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