Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
