I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I touched a dick in church today
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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