my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.