Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Life is so much better after having sex.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
