shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
