Jerry, you need to find god
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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