I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
