I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
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He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
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We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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