i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize