Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
