I got chris browned last night
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
