Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
