I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You left your phone here
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