So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
