I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
