And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
