i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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