No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
