last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
