dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
