i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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