I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
