The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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