Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
