dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
