TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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