Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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