wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
