I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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