I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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