you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
