I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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