The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
