apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
