I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So vagazzling was a success
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
