i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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