Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
