But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
there is glitter all over my balls
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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